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Pam's Story

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My story is about resilience. I have learned at 65 years old that resilience is a process and not a personality trait. I really wish I had learned this when I was younger because I probably wouldn't have spent so much time being so judgmental and critical of myself. Resilience isn't about when something difficult happens in your life and you forget about it and move on. I was ignoring my feelings and stuffing all my emotions into a very dark place.

Throughout my life, I've had some bad experiences, more than some people and less than others. I grew up in an abusive household, and it continued until my thirties. The parents were physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive. And because it was so bad, I blocked my knowledge of this even happening. Nightmares and flashbacks were my first clue that something was wrong.

Your brain's ability to block memories works by protecting the psyche to help you survive. If I had actually known what was going on, I might have died. Something else that was very difficult in a different way was moving so many times. When I entered ninth grade, it was my seventh move. We moved every two to two and a half years.

The dad was in office furniture sales, and we went where he went. This was really hard on me because I would move, meet new friends, then move again, lose those friends, and meet new ones. It was a constant cycle of change. I couldn't depend on anything, so I have very few memories of that time as well. Again, my my brain blocked what was going on.

Another way I dealt with the dark inside me was by being a serious athlete in high school, college, and adult athletic programs. I swam, ran, and participated in triathlons. I would recommend to anyone that being an athlete is a good way to spend time, so it's not bad by itself. But hindsight, I was totally running away from my feelings. Again, it was a way for my brain to block terrible memories.

And then as an adult, I've experienced many physical issues, including an eating disorder, migraines, TBIs, Parkinson's disease, and a back injury. Only in the last six months have I understood how resilient I am. But the good news is that through this back injury, I've been able to feel both the physical and emotional pain. I started working with a pain management expert out of the Boston, Massachusetts area. People in severe pain tend to make their lives very small by staying at home, not seeing people, not learning new things, or not moving the body.

If I shut down my pain and live a small life, it makes my pain worse. I'm not telling you this story to complain. This is a story about how I've been able to look back on my history and learn what it takes to be resilient. I am now making my life bigger by doing small things like playing the guitar, taking singing lessons, and working a part time job as a dragon boat team coach manager. I try to shine a light on my pain to help open it up and heal.

I use music, meditation, breathing techniques, and body scans to calm myself down and to be in the present moment. But most importantly, the only way you can heal physically and emotionally is to make the choice that the pain is real.

University of Massachusetts Amherst

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