MJ's Story

I woke up one morning and it sounded like really loud noise I my head, it was really disorienting. I got up and I was running the sink in the bathroom, and it sounded so loud to me, like unbelievability loud. Then I realized I think I need to see somebody about this – to make a long story short immediately, the person I went to see said Well you have had a hearing loss and it's not reversable, like you have lost your hearing. I was kind of shocked by that, that she could tell all that, she looked into my ears but there was nothing to be seen, there was no infection - I wasn’t sick I had to go and have it verified, I had a bunch of tests and then I had what was called a sudden sensorineural hearing loss. Then it was just getting used to suddenly having 24 hours tetanus in one ear, I thought that was a big deal because you don’t know where sound is coming from, we are so bilateral, without two ears you can't pinpoint sound.

That went on for quite a number of years and then one day I was in a café and thought I heard machines doing something weird like making a high pitched nose, I mentioned it to the other people I was with and they said, “I don’t hear anything” and as soon as I went outside, I realized it was all in my head. I was concerned that it was the same thing happening again, this time I went pretty much directly to the ER – They confirmed – well by then I had lost my hearing – being suddenly deaf, completely deaf was diffidently an experience I imagined would never happen to me. Initially I couldn’t do anything, I felt very reliant suddenly on other people to do things for me like make a phone call for me that I couldn’t do for myself, so have I adjusted very well? When I look back on it, I think I really did but I didn’t grieve the loss of my hearing and I think that came up later on, there would be sudden moments where I was just a mess because I would be with other people, and I couldn’t understand what was being said and felt completely left out, I'd go and have my cry someplace and then I'd come back and then face whatever I was dealing with again.

In terms of coping, I think one of the things I have learned is that I've had to speak up for myself much more than I have ever had to do in the past, partly because it was a sudden hearing loss, and I think because of that I feel like I can be more outspoken because I don’t have this identify that has been developing for years and years about being a deaf person, I think there are a lot of positives believe it or not. I think that just having a disability is a positive thing because it changes my perspective on myself, it makes me realize that I am in vulnerable to anything as anybody else. I have met people that I would never would have met, and I had something in common with them, and I will approach them, and they will approach me if they see that I have a cochlear implant. And with little kids, I really appreciate the people, the interactions, and the connection I have had with others because of this.

I have realized how quickly things have changed. I mean with no warning at all, and I read a lot about appreciation and addressing appreciation is a healing tool. I am so privileged to have good doctors and good audiologists to work with and to have the financial means to get what I need. I would hope the other person who was the friend of, or sister of , or mother of, or whatever of somebody was bearing something could maintain that sense of curiosity and not go down that fear lane and I think there is more possibility for growth and healing if you are more curious and open then if you are shut down for fear, but looking back on it I have gained so much that I never would of gotten without that.